Well, you asked for it! At least, some of you did...
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Dog vs. Cat
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
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Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow--but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now...
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"?
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is ...
TEACHER: No, Millie, always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand!
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
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Hope you enjoyed those. Both of them Dad got recently by email. The first one I'd heard before, but the ones with the kids were almost all new to me, which is actually pretty hard to do. I might put up some more later, but hopefully this'll take care of the weekly jokes for now! By the way, sorry about the formatting. Blogger isn't letting me redo it, and I don't feel like fooling around with it right now.
7 comments:
He laughs, but Mandy (or, as affectionately known by those who adore her "Baby Princess Mandy") is deeply offended and not even mildly amused. She is currently curled up at the foot of the bed contemplating ambushing the accomplices from Belle Center. She did the vomit on the floor thing just the other day...
Uncle Charles
Isaac,
You didn't post that link yet. I sent you an email addressing this topic, but it turns out you got a new email address, so I am sending this message to you this way. Could you PLEASE post that link to download Pastor Etheridge's WC talks?
Daniel Carr, violist
Those I really funny. I like the 'I'm closer to the ground one) |>)
I don't like cats, so I thought that one diary thing was hilarious.
After 19 ana a 1/2 hours of being awake, my sense of humor is pretty much gone, so I probably shouldn't be commenting.
But, anyway...
My favorite is the sentence starting with "I".
I still say cats are to be preferred, despite your evil scheming and mocking.
The cat and dog things are both kinda accurate, in my opinion that is.
Daniel--I'll explain in an email. I'll have the files up hopefully at latest by Tuesday
The "Cat and Dog" joke is very funny. I naturally prefer dogs over cats.
OK, Isaac, keep it up...
But if you're going to email me, please send your message to david@davidkarencarr.net rather than karendavidcarr@cs.com. My dad doesn't like Compuserve.
Dan-the-man
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